It’s Suicide Prevention Week and I’m Fighting for my Life

Posted by Patriciaaobrien on Sep 15, 2017 in Inner Workings, Musings of a Green-Eyed Girl |

They say the path to strength is through vulnerability.  This is hard.  Why is it so damn hard to talk about?  My brain doesn’t work properly.  I have everything to live for, and yet I keep thinking of dying.  I have no significant reasons to be suffering in my life, and yet anguish is what I feel.  I have so many advantages, luxuries, sources of joy and pleasure; and yet I struggle so much.  It’s not my choices that have brought me here.  It is sure as hell not lack of trying.  It isn’t because of ingratitude.  Something in my brain is not functioning correctly.  If I could fix it I would.

They say ask for help.  How?  I’ve seen therapists, doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists and kept going back.  I’ve done structured therapy/skills programs with a duration of almost two years.  I’ve done individual therapy and group therapy.  I’ve sought out different providers when it was clear I needed different help.  I’ve used apps on my iPhone, kept mood data charts, tried more than a handful of meds, adjusted doses, changed the time of day I take them, tried different combinations, read blogs, read scholarly articles, read books, adjusted my diet, tried exercise, attempted to be more structured.

I’ve been in crisis and reached out for help and failed to hear any compassion or humanity on the other end of the line, just bureaucracy and logistics, been told I would have to wait days to weeks to months to indefinite amounts of time for an appointment, been led on a wild goose chase, jumping through flaming hoop after hoop.

It’s like telling someone who has broken legs they must walk to the hospital.  Hopelessness, meaninglessness, challenges with communication and social interaction, impairment in executive functioning, lack of energy and motivation to complete even simple tasks.  These are key traits of my experience of being mentally unwell.  And the process of seeking help exploits all of these.  When someone is fighting for her life and uses every shred of her remaining abilities to ask for help, someone should help her.

I want to do something to fix this.

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