Then and Now

Posted by Patriciaaobrien on Mar 16, 2014 in Inner Workings, Musings of a Green-Eyed Girl |

Now

I am able to

be patient, persistent, logical, motivated, engaged, experience positive and negative feelings, productive

relax, focus, keep things in perspective, make note of things I need to work on without becoming obsessed by them and feeling frustrated overwhelmed annoyed defeated and worthless because of them

I feel

calm, peaceful, even, in control, resilient, hopeful, capable, worthy, significant, creative, joy, fun, meaning, like things are ok even if they aren’t perfect or are complex or require hard work

I know this won’t last.  I know I will wake up one day and as suddenly as something switched inside me and brought on this way of being without my input or control, I will be in a funk of anxiety and depression.  The physical feeling I have inside my core of being bolstered and held up and strengthened and able to withstand whatever is happening will be gone.  I will feel pummeled and waif like, as if anything can topple me, flatten me, hold me down.  I will feel hollow and flat and empty.  Unequal to every task.  Unable to focus.  My head will be filled with a jumble of whirling thoughts jumping from one to the next unable to follow one to its end.  Like my brain is one of those chambers with dollar bills being blown violently around and I desperately try to catch the thoughts and pull them in and contain them and even know what they all are, but they are all blowing around in the universe, floating like nebula, unable to be lassoed.  I am overwhelmed by all the possibilities in the world.  I don’t understand anything.  I can’t understand what life means, what anything means.  Everything irritates me.  I find those I care for repugnant and think of how I can disentangle myself from them because none of these relationships are working and I don’t know how to do them.  I don’t fit anywhere.  I am ruining everything.  I need to start over from scratch.  Build my life one element at a time, layer upon layer.  Everything is too complex.  I need simplicity and clarity.  I need everything organized and structured.  All I long for is sleep.  I am exhausted and feel like doing nothing.  Sleep is a sweet escape from the unease.  It is agonizing and debilitating.  I feel desperate.  I feel helpless.  I don’t know how to communicate what is happening inside me.  I don’t even understand it.   Everything I attempt to do will make me feel inside like someone is running their fingernails down a chalkboard.  It feels like my being is stuck in wet cement, weighted down.  Everything is so hard to do.  It takes such concerted effort.  There is no sense of satisfaction with anything I do accomplish.  I am only thinking of what is still to do.  I prefer to be alone.  Being with others is draining and unpleasant.  Being in the moment is difficult.  It seems unlikely that things will ever be different.  I am a failure.  I don’t want to try.  I feel alone and forgotten and worthless.  I will be in a fog.  Sad or hard things that have happened in the past or are happening currently will dominate my thinking.  Everything will seem poignant.

The exact circumstances experienced in these two distinct ways of being elicit completely different feelings, responses, outcomes.

And then I will be impulsive, impatient, feeling that I must take action now, everything must happen now.  I am tired of waiting.  I cannot remain calm and carry on.  I will make things happen.  I will push them even if the outcome is not what I am hoping for.  It is better than nothing happening like it always does in my life.  I’m tired of stagnating and waiting in limbo for all the right stars to align.  I’m weary of being patient, delaying gratification, being cautious.  Throw caution to the wind!  Do something, damn it, anything!  In fact the wilder and less advisable and predictable and safe and responsible and status quo the better.  Do something crazy and unexpected and pointless and fun and thrilling and unthought out and spontaneous.  Live in the moment.  Who cares about what happens next?  Just live for once, and enjoy it.

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